i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
