He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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