last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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