im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
