he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
