so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
