When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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