I looked at my own cervix.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
