If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
