physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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