Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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