Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
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