the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
