3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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