giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
