I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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