I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
