It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
