Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
