the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
