It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
