The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
