im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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