Don't make out with my wife yet
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
