All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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