im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
