everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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