So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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