a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
