I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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