I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
