The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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