Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
