i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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