I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
