shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize