I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
