I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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