if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
