I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
