He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
