Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
