2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Your mouth is God's brothel.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You ruined the universe
Randomize
