there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
