I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
