Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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