I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
