I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
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