my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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