Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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