she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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