I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
